Minimalistic guidelines for a presenter at a scientific conference from the perspective of the audience (or "How fucking boring is this conference!")

1) Always assume that we don't give a fuck about anything you say, especially about every single brain fart you had while sitting in your depressing office. What you say must be more interesting that our news feed on facebook: if it isn't, we'll check facebook.

2) It would be awesome if you would introduce your research, because we have no fucking idea of what you are talking about and if you put the model of a giant incomprehensible molecule in the first slide, the only thing we'll think for the rest of the talk is how to kill you with poison at coffee break.

3) Please be reassured that we fucking hate you. We think you are a dumb fuck and we should be there at your place.

4) If you are a professor and you are wearing sneakers, khaki pants five sizes too large and a tie with the periodic table on it, please know that you are a disgrace to our category and a shame to yourself. Buy a fucking suit you prehistoric fuckhead!

5) Audience questions are a moment for dumb fucks to show that they were not sleeping or jerkin off during the talk.

6) Please note that if you write something on a slide we'll read it (if we are not sleeping, jerkin off or planning your poisoning) and we won't listen to what you are saying. A slide full of text means that you have to shut the fuck up for at least a minute to let us read. If you don't, you must take that fucking text away!

7) Don't make jokes because you are a sad scientist and your humor sucks. When you make a joke we laugh because we found someone more pathetic than us.

8) If you put an image or a plot or anything on a slide you have to tell me why you put it there. If you don't you are an idiot. Usually you are an idiot.

9) Please know that the only reason we are here is to get away from our daily life and you talk is the price we have to pay. Your talk is the worst part of our week and we hate you.

10) We listened to 30-40 talks and the only way we are going to remember yours is if you get naked on the stage, or (hopefully) die while talking or give us one, just one!, good take away message. Two conclusions are one too many: tell me what is your main point and get the fuck out of my sight!